Bishop is a god – Inside Crime Blog

What do you mean I must fill out the Confessional Form? The fact that many denominations now make it a biennial requirement because of the scandals surrounding some religious leaders doesn’t mean anything. I have no confessions to make and drop that talk about holiness. We’re talking about survival here so what has holiness got to do with it? In this business, you either float or drown. I do what I can to float including embellishing the word on this pulpit to ensure my survival, and that’s what you term incantation. You say anything I utter that’s contrary to the word is incantation. See, word is word, whether from the Holy Book or from the book of incantations. I may as well inform you that it’s actually what I chant on this pulpit—incantation—against whoever dares me.

You’re surprised, eh? Do you think being a religious leader is easy? It’s been war from the first day I entered ministry—what with my rivals who also want to rise in this career? As Bishop, I can’t afford to be lax. There’re rivals within and outside the ministry, particularly nosy journalists and I always deal ruthlessly with them.

I’m talking about succeeding in my chosen career but you say I should observe holiness in my utterances. Who can be holy in this season when everyone wants a vibrant career and live the best life possible? Or were you told that a religious leader should die poor, trampled by others? The Thirty Laws of Success that I read doesn’t teach me that.

As for the word you refer to, only the religious leader who doesn’t know what he’s doing in ministry would depend solely on it. One must help himself. I help myself, so my career in this denomination has been on the rise. I intend to occupy the highest office in this denomination and I’ll ruin from this pulpit that you see anyone who wants to ruin my chances. Don’t be deceived by this priestly apparel; I’m stronger than what you see and I’ll deal with whoever opposes me, especially disrespectful journalists. I’ve sent many to the other side already. This is serious business. As for those small flies in this denomination, they misbehave to me and now you say I should overlook it. We’ll overlook it when we get to heaven, not here.

Why should any of those priests oppose my submission in the presence of the Overall Superintendent of this mission? That’s insubordination. I interviewed and certified each of them for training as priests. Now that they’re ordained they misbehave to me. Any of them that uses his

hand to rub the blade of my sword, it will cut him down. Even outside this denomination, I’ve dealt with those who criticise my public comments, especially journalists. See, I don’t know how to work miracles but I know the wicked spirits to invoke that can deal ruthlessly with whoever criticises me. I do it and no one can ask me questions.  The words a pig wants utter will never leave his belly. The day a dead leaf separates itself from the tree branch it must reach the ground.  The hand a praying mantis raises it’s himself he beats with it.

There’s this journalist in particular who criticises me.  I’ve deployed incantations on him on this pulpit for the past few years and I won’t stop. I’m a religious leader and no one should have the effrontery to question what a religious leader says. We religious leaders are gods. Unquestionable. Just imagine, I made a public comment regarding badly-behaved congregants but this journalist

questioned what I said. I’ll ruin him; I’ll let him know teeth are sharper than razor blade.

Meanwhile, there was one of my fellow religious leaders who said the same journalist dared to criticise his public comments. That one has since put the picture of the journalist in a bottle filled with special water, placed it on his altar and continues to chant incantations on it. There was yet another of my fellow religious leaders who told me that this same journalist wrote negatively about his activity. That one too has sent what he could. All of them are defending themselves against this disrespectful journalist. It’s the same thing I’m doing, nothing more. Ojo a pa bata a pa jawon-janwon eti e.

Would you believe that the same journalist also criticised my activity in the course of the COVID-19 outbreak? Well, the government was shouting COVID-19 protocol and that religious services shouldn’t hold physically. But there was this woman, very generous woman indeed, whose daughter needed to get married before her fiancé who was a service man would travel for a course. So I organised a small wedding ceremony. Unfortunately, a jealous rival informed the authorities and I was picked up by the COVID-19 task force to stand trial. The journalist criticised me, adding to his offences that I catalogue on this pulpit.

This intolerable journalist didn’t stop at that. As you know, I’ve been at the centre of the struggle against members of ‘the other tribe’ who trouble our congregants. I mean those herders who kill as they wish. I’ve campaigned to make sure those killers are called what they are and that the persecution which my congregants are passing through is made known to the world. But this journalist has been criticising every step I take. He says I say things a religious leader shouldn’t say. Who’s he to question me? And what is it that a religious leader shouldn’t say in the face of violent attacks on his congregants. When I organised rallies to advocate for my persecuted congregants, this journalist criticised my comments and me too I’ve been sending incantations to him from this pulpit. Each time I do, all my congregants say Amen. Who’re they not to say it, or do you think

I’m as simple as this priestly cassock that I wear? An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. See, no one should tell me what I should say and what I shouldn’t. I utter what I want on this pulpit and whoever questions me will eat his pounded yam only as boiled yam. And drop that issue that the Holy Book says a religious leader should always bless. You even quote a passage that says he who loves cursing it will come on him. It’s Psalm 109: 17-20, KJV, or do you think I don’t know it? Leave that thing. We’re talking survival here and I’ll do whatever I can to survive. By the way, I hope you won’t report this to the Overall Superintendent. Don’t, otherwise you will hear from this pulpit like those disrespectful journalists.

Now, back to the three reasons you came, I mean the task the Overall Superintendent gave you to settle quarrel between me and some priests, the allegation of ungodly utterances that some have levelled against me, as well as the Confessional Form you bring for me to fill. Listen, no one sees the face of the wind. No one sees the feet of the raging storm. You see that I have no quarrel with anyone. You find nothing improper in my utterances and you see no ungodly conduct. That’s what

you see. Or did you see me engage in any ungodly behaviour since you stepped into this auditorium? I don’t do women, which some religious leaders are accused of. So, don’t get yourself into trouble with me by reporting things you don’t see.

As for the Confessional Form in which I’m to state whether or not I use diabolical means in ministry or if I did anything contrary to the word in the last two years, I won’t fill it. What I use is no one’s business, even the Overall Superintendent. So take his Confessional Form back to him. No one should bring strange ideas from other denominations here. The Overall Superintendent and other council members shouldn’t look for my trouble because I can make their lives miserable from this pulpit—incantation or otherwise.  It’s self-defence, which is my watchword, and I’ll stop at nothing to protect my career. Again, for your own good, write your report but be wise about it. I won’t say more than that. Good day.

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Sodeeq Olaitan is a passionate blogger, and internet marketer.

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